"This is my pirate hat!": Up Close and Personal with Teenage Trillionaire Guy Boy Man

Interviewer: I'm here today with a famous spiritual leader and pirate: Guy Boy Man. Guy, it's a pleasure to have you here today. Can you tell us what you've been up to lately?

Guy Boy Man: Why? Are you a cop?

Interviewer: No. I'm a reporter. I thought you understood that. I'm going to be asking you a series of questions.

Guy Boy Man: Obviously, you're a cop. Cops interview people all the time. The only reason you don't have a mustache is because you're undercover.

Interviewer: Okay. This is actually an excellent starting point. Some people say that you're not, as you claim, the only living person who can see zombies everywhere, controlling everything. You're actually a paranoid schizophrenic with a horrifying stockpile of weapons you use to kill scores of innocent people whom you merely argue are zombies.

Guy Boy Man: Obviously, there are skeptics. Every religion has them.

Interviewer: Does every religion leave behind so many dead bodies in its wake?

Guy Boy Man: Yes. Study your history. “Those that fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it.” Sadly, those who learn from history are also doomed to repeat it. That's why everybody should stop reproducing.

Interviewer: I'm curious, Mr. Man. Do you think I'm a zombie?

Guy Boy Man: No. Aside from the mindless human-flesh-eating deal, zombies are “good” and “moral” and “responsible.” People pretending to be journalists are none of those things.

Interviewer: So good people are bad?

Guy Boy Man: Yes. They'll certainly never be good enough. We're doomed. War, hunger, disease, greed. These things will never change as long as there are people. That's why everybody should stop reproducing.

Interviewer: Your stance on birth control is why you're so at odds with the Pope?

Guy Boy Man: I'm not at odds with the Pope. I don't know what you're talking about.

Interviewer: You, rather famously, stole the Pope's hat.

Guy Boy Man: No, I didn't. And it probably doesn't hold magic powers of infallibility.

Interviewer: You're wearing the Pope's hat right now. It's that tall gold-and-white thing right on top of your head.

Guy Boy Man: This is my pirate hat! If the Pope had a hat like this and he lost it then that's his problem! He should have taken better care of it!

Interviewer: Some say you were even responsible for the recent theft of a preserved 900-year-old saint's heart from a cathedral in Dublin, Ireland. What on Earth would you want with something like that?

Guy Boy Man: Well, I'm not cloning a saintly army to wage war on the Pope and his minions, if that's what you're thinking! That would be crazy!

Interviewer: Yes. Quite. Let's put that aside for the moment. Why should people join your religion and follow you instead of, say, the Pope?

Guy Boy Man: Every other major organized religion holds as it main tenet, everything will be great when we're dead. Why does everybody have to die first? My religion is all about having a good time while we're alive! Like the leaders of all major religions, first I'm going to lead my followers into Despair. “Everything is terrible.” “Life is suffering.” Blah blah blah. Before we get to Despair, we're probably going to have to make some stops in Unhappiness and Fear, but when we get deep in the heart of downtown Despair, we're going to have a big old party with great music, dancing girls, and drinks!

Interviewer: What your ideal world look like? Would it be like this party?

Guy Boy Man: No. I'm a conservative. Like all good conservatives, I dream of living in an environmental wasteland in which we all battle each other for survival until only one of us remains.

Interviewer: You're also a Christian, aren't you?

Guy Boy Man: Very much so. I mean, when you find a watch on the beach, obviously there's a God.

Interviewer: My point is that, for a Christian, your ideal world, in which we all battle each other for survival until only one of us remains, sounds awfully Darwinian.

At this point, Guy Boy Man may or may not have pulled out two 9mm handguns and shot the interviewer several times in head and chest, ending the interview, and the interviewer, for that matter.